Dear Addie,
It's been said a time or two that people come in and out of our lives for lessons or love. Reading that and then thinking back on the life that I've lived thus far I don't think I ever really grasped what that truly meant until I became a mom and discovered the wildly different seasons of friendships that would unfold during this chapter of my life. Not all bad (or good for that matter,) but all meaningful and necessary in shaping me into the person that I am proud to say I am today. There is however one season of friendship that will forever stick with me and I can honestly say I didn't see it coming - The moment I became unrelatable, the moment shared by many raising children on the spectrum.
You see Addie, when you become a parent you basically birth tiny social coordinators. It's true. You start to meet people who are experiencing the same era of life as you. Mom groups, school pick up, Target (or maybe that's just me...) There's almost an unspoken understanding in these encounters as our commonality is our children, if we are lucky those children will become friends and life will carry on and you may even discover you have more and more in common. But what happens when your child starts developing differently, the toddler behaviors last longer, or the language never comes, potty training never happens or there's no one to compare notes with about which diapers work best because it's a distant memory for them. What happens when you can't carry on casual conversations during soccer games or go to festivals as families because the noise is too much for one of your other children? What happens when the mommy brain fog lasts well past the infant years, because your child doesn't sleep - like at all...leaving you heavily caffeine-dependent looking every ounce of weathered and at least a solid ten years older than you are. What happens when you realize you've been handed a life of advocacy and a constant fight for inclusion that most will never have to blink twice about? This is the start of being unrelatable. This is the start of when most SN Parents become more and more content with being introverted. This is the start of when friends will begin to distance themselves and I honestly don't blame them.
In our little bubble caregiving is 24-7. I've been changing diapers for about 11 years longer than most with children of the same ages as ours. My days consist of preparing. Preparing for when you wake up and need to get ready, preparing for what you will need at school, preparing for what needs to happen after school, if there's any therapy in between, preparing that you will have everything you need if one of your siblings has an activity or event that we need to go to or if we need a sitter, preparing meals, preparing for bed and then preparing to do it all over again the next day. And that's just for you we are also preparing to send your sister off to college this fall, which I suspect for as close as our family is will be a major adjustment around here for all involved. Nothing in our life is done without some sort of preparation. We are always thinking ahead to the next thing because we have to...while of course, you know, trying to live in the moment all while figuring out who will look after you when you are 60. You can see how the conversation I may bring to a friendship could be riveting with this type of lifestyle - did you sense the sarcasm there? Also as SN parents, we have so many "well that happened" moments and we have no choice but to laugh about them because crying is the only other option and dark circles from lack of sleep WITH puffy eyes isn't a good look on anyone really. So if you can't laugh with me on occasion about some of absurd stuff that goes on in our life, then the distance is probably a good thing.
I think one of the hardest parts about friendships on this journey is truthfully falling into this unrelatable to most category. We see lives that seem so less complicated and dang it everyone looks so well-rested and beautiful, top that off with not being able to connect with someone, and it's the perfect storm of loneliness. People walking in our shoes don't wake up and say gosh I can't wait to have no friends, is there a genie that could just hurry this up already? Yeah, that doesn't happen. I actually love nothing more than to hear about what's going on in other peoples lives! ...Maybe that's why I like Dateline so much too - it's just so different from my everyday, but I digress. Even the most introverted of introverts need human contact, you know other than bathing someone or changing a diaper. I can tell you from years of inclusion advocacy - everyone wants to be included so if someone starts to drift away, perhaps it is for the best. You should never have to fight for someone to want to be your friend - remember that always.
The ones that laugh with you through crazy stuff, endlessly invite you even if you can only make it happen twice a year to something, understand lengthy phone calls are not an option - but your ability to multitask a text conversation like a champ is, and the ones that send the funny memes at random times of the day...those are your people. They might not be walking the same path as us, but to them, that doesn't matter.
As Prince once said:
Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today.
To get through this thing called "life."
A'int that the truth that we are all just living life? If you ever find yourself struggling to connect in a friendship Addie, just keep smiling and remember you'll always have a friend in me no matter what. I get you.
Love,
Mom
