Be The Reason

Dear Addie,

“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.” -Roy T. Bennett

Addie, we found the reason. But to understand it, I need to take you back to the very start, so hold on this is a long one.

The day you were born, our family felt complete as a party of five. From the very beginning, there were quiet signs that an unfamiliar journey was ahead of us, though it would take years before we truly understood what that meant. In time, our family’s normal became something not always easy but beautifully unconventional in its own way. We, as a family, were learning beside you, discovering a different way of seeing the world and figuring out how to adapt to a place that often felt as though it wasn’t designed with someone like you in mind.

You’ve spent years in therapy, working to find your place within society’s norms. Your brother and sister, meanwhile, have grown up faster than most of their peers, learning early what our life looks like and understanding that we may not do things the way other families do. Vacations, dinners out, sleepovers with friends, birthday parties, even where we sit during soccer games, everything looks a little different for us and our every action seems to be on display.

Daddy and I have always been careful never to place the responsibility of “parenting” you on your siblings. But in our world, protecting you and caring for your needs has become a natural part of their lives, something that simply is.

Last year, Daddy and I were celebrating a special anniversary and hoped to go away for the weekend. We weren’t able to arrange for an aide to stay with you, and without hesitation your brother and sister said, “We can do it.” I was hesitant, because this wasn’t just babysitting a sibling. This was bathing, feeding, medications, diapers...it was a lot. But their response was simple: “It’s our sister. We’ve got this.” And they did.

New Year’s Eve last year, you needed to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. Your big sister was the one who called 911 that night, handling everything with such calm and grace. In the middle of the chaos, your big brother lined up your medications on the counter, snapped a picture, and texted it to us so that when we arrived at the hospital, we wouldn’t have to worry about remembering every detail, we could simply show them...all without asking him to, he just did it. That night, we called to wish them a Happy New Year from the emergency room.

They each have their own special thing with you, whether it’s a tickle-monster game or a word that makes you giggle. There is a sibling bond that is entirely its own, an understanding that has never needed words, only an energy felt among the three of you. You know you are loved and safe with them, and they would do anything for you.

Now, I promise our journey hasn’t always been dramatic. A delicate balance of chaos—yes—but there have been plenty of laughs and good times, too. But that being said, this past June our world took an unexpected turn and you became very ill. It required multiple hospital stays, more tests, procedures, doctors, and specialists than I ever could have imagined. Even now, we’re still managing symptoms and trying to understand what a new “normal” looks like for you. Through it all, your big sister called or texted every day to ask how you were doing. Being away at college during that time weighed heavily on her, she worried about you constantly.

Facts, parents of children with autism are often told that “exposure is key,” yet we’re also asked to avoid anxiety triggers...especially now, when anxiety can exacerbate your symptoms without always knowing completely what those triggers are, in a world full of them. It’s a constant balancing act. And sometimes… it’s a lot. Like, really a lot.

We tried going out to eat a few times over the past few months, and let’s just say we had to rely on something every autism parent keeps in their back pocket...an exit strategy. Some might ask, why even bother? But the truth is, we carefully evaluate every outing, weighing whether it will be a positive experience or a difficult one. And honestly, if we never left the house at all, the outside world wins and would only become more overwhelming and full of triggers than it already is for you.

With big sister coming home for the holidays and having spent her birthday away at college, we wanted to do something special to show her how proud we all are of her. After all, 20 is a big birthday! While she wouldn’t have minded staying in and cooking or ordering food, I was racking my brain trying to figure out a way to go out while making it a less anxious experience for you. Something we could all enjoy...a One Team, One Dream experience ;)

Now, the ever-popular igloo outdoor dining option is a big hit this time of year, but also booked solid everywhere that uses them. It’s a cool experience, I get it! No joke, I even started researching buying an igloo online to set up at home. Luckily, the universe knew better: the shipping dates were way too far out. Looking back now, I have a lot of patience, but putting that together then would have tested me in unnecessary ways. And, seriously, where would I have set it up in the driveway? And where would I even store it afterward? Oye, thanks, universe!

Back to the drawing board...

Thinking that some restaurants might offer separate seating to make for a less anxious, more private dining experience, I turned to the internet. Italian food, her favorite (though, let’s be honest, we’re Italian too, but I digress) plus “private dining” and our local area. Bella Monica Cucina & Vino popped up. While I was deep in the chaos of multitasking, I sent them a quick message of the basics of what I was looking for. Honestly, looking back, I could have worded it much better and used proper grammar, but it is what it is. Also I wasn't too optimistic being the holidays and all and had kinda just settled in to doing a special dinner at home.

Much to my surprise, because most restaurants don’t check Instagram messages, the manager, Blair, actually messaged me back! While they didn’t have “igloos” per se, they had a corner of the restaurant where both the front and side of the sidewalk were enclosed for outdoor seating, making the side area relatively private with only two tables. He offered for me to come take a look to see if it would work and was even able to accomodate an earlier dining time before things got too busy. I didn’t need to hear anything else, it sounded perfect!

The day finally came, and we were absolutely blown away when we arrived! The seating was truly separate, yet we still felt very much a part of the restaurant. They wrote “Happy Birthday” on the sidewalk at our entrance and even decorated the table with a birthday balloon and confetti. The waitstaff was unbelievably attentive, kind, and accommodating...so much so that when they didn’t have ranch dressing for your salad, our server offered to run next door to the grocery store to get some! While we greatly appreciated the offer, we declined and continued to enjoy an amazing meal. You had absolutely zero issues and were calm the whole time, it was as if you were eating at home, no stress at all. We ate, laughed ( a lot) and truly soaked in every ounce of this experience. Seriously, I’m not sure why we had never been here before, besides the amazing staff the food was outstanding and yes, we are now customers for life. Promise.

Addie, this restaurant had never met us. They knew very little about our much bigger picture of struggles—we were complete strangers until we walked in the door. But that day, as we stepped inside and I took in all they had done, my eyes welled with tears. Suddenly, we felt loved and welcomed like family. We weren’t strangers anymore.

They didn’t have to do any of what they did to make this so very special, but they did. They chose to be the reason for the kind of care and understanding that so many of us seek.

In a year that has been challenging, to say the very least, this was a much needed moment of calm and normalcy. It was a meal we didn’t know we needed and we are forever grateful they answered my message.

We can’t wait to visit again.

Love,

Mom