Keep Dancing

Dear Addie,

And just like that another year has come and gone. You, my dear, are now a 3rd grader, and we are so unbelievably proud at the progress you've made. Your academics have made tremendous strides, and you continue to amaze us every day with something new and exciting - even on our hardest days.

Today you stand dangerously close to meeting me eye to eye at just 8 1/2 years old, and while I'm proud of the girl you've become, I'm also scared at the unknown ahead. I find myself wishing I could go back in time to a smaller version of you, a time where I was exhausted and couldn't wait to get past that toddler phase. But why?

It seems like just yesterday that you were sitting on the back porch steps with Clara and Gabe in New York eating popsicles, while daddy and I joked about how tan you looked (or perhaps just how Irish "non-tan" Clara and Gabe looked) with all 3 of you sitting next to each other. A moment of such innocence and calm.

At that time we were in fact utterly exhausted. We had a kindergartner, a preschooler, and a toddler, and it was indeed the kind of tired that you couldn't wash off your face and people would say “savor this moment because you’ll miss this one day when it's gone.” Ah yes, the moment when you’re still wearing the same outfit for the 3rd day in a row, when you feel like changing diapers with such efficiency at an alarming speed could be written with pride on your next job application, when you’re packing a diaper bag and still manage to sometimes pack everything but diapers, shuffling kids from here to there, let us not forget October-April where ending a hectic day with grocery shopping could look like pushing (and barely moving) a full shopping cart through 6 inches of snow in the Wegmans parking lot after you screamed your way through the entire store.

Seriously though, the snow in NY... that is something...

Can I get back to there?!

That place we were at was so fresh into what was to become our journey. We seriously had no idea what was to come.

You see Addie, when your kids are young, we as parents (no matter how many times we mention needing wine to get through something kid related) are enjoying it. Savoring every ounce of the good and bad because even what we thought were bad moments will just be ”remember when” laughing moment one day. We’re not naive in this and still recognize that these little years with our children are fleeting. But in all that joy comes some significant exhaustion all parents face while we are waiting for that, ”sweet spot” in life where we can breathe a little, let you fly from the nest a bit and see memories being made from a different point of view.

We’re not there yet, in fact, we may still be a ways off of this, but I think your day will eventually come.

I joked back then wanting to microchip my babies (remember the whole anxiety thing) in case God forbid you were lost or dare I think worse. Little did I know I’d legitimately wish that was an option in life today! Insert you now wearing a GPS device because of your wandering adventures.

When I snapped that porch picture we were in the thick of you taking sleep as just a light suggestion. We were so early in realizing or understanding the depth of what your (and our) future was to be. Dare I say we were ignorant in our thoughts that yes you had some challenges not like that of your peers and were getting labels for those things right and left, but we'd just find the answer, figure it out and by the time you were school-aged those daunting challenges would be a thing of the past! No problem - we got this! Did we really think you could just study really hard and ace the challenges our life was throwing at us? Like we were some valedictorian of a school we’d never been too. Perhaps. Everything just seemed easier then.

Addie, I can honestly tell you, that is not how all this works.

Here we are today, with a wealth of autism and sensory processing knowledge, well into school age...you're getting bigger, the largest of diapers are fitting smaller, your strength stronger, your smile still wildly infectious but still far from the ”sweet spot.”

Those sensory challenges of a once young Addie, yes some got better, others only compounded with different challenges the older you got.

And now we’ve entered yet another new chapter that I hoped and prayed we’d never write, aggression. Sure it's frustrating but heartbreaking more than anything else to see just how uncomfortable you are in your own skin.

Looking back at that picture, I had no idea I could be more tired than that time in NY. But here we are...

With your last morning waking up as a 2nd grader off to a rough start, I didn't hold out hope for a great ending at school either. There was no picture holding a ”last day of 2nd-grade sign” stating what you wanted to be when you grew up. My money would have been on an MMA fighter this morning! But in true Addie fashion, we were reminded of one of the greatest life lessons you've taught us, expect the unexpected.

Being the last day of school meant it was your end of the year party! We knew we had a 50/50 shot at things going well. We are always anxious and excited to see you in your school environment, but our presence can be completely out of context for you and cause stress at the same time. On the flip side, not going and all the other parents being there potentially leaving early with their kids could be equally stressing.

Finger's crossed, we going in. It's time to party Addie!

Your face, as we entered the room, was everything. Smiles full of happy excitement! A breath of fresh air from our recent morning aggression.

Here’s the thing Addie, I might not be the valedictorian of this journey, but this is what I know, our journey was intended. The lessons, the love, the relationships, the questions, the joy, the heartache, the tears, the hope, the mysterious wonder of it all - it continues to teach me more about life than I could've ever imagined.

Life isn't about studying to get a perfect grade, it's about learning as you go. Taking in our lives most precious lessons as they come and maybe if we’re lucky enough our lessons learned will teach others a little bit along their way. I believe you are making your mark in this world every single day Addie!

I might always want to get back to that NY porch picture, it seems to be a common chapter in parenthood to want to go back in time. Even more so when that time just seems easier than our path we're on today. But if I could really go back I would remind my exhausted self of a very well known life quote...

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

We will always have our challenges baby girl, always, let’s just keep dancing though.

Congratulations Addie, you, my beautiful, smart, energetic little girl in that porch picture are now a 3rd grader and we are so proud of you!

Love always,

Mom