I can't

Dear Addie,

"I can't" – it's something I’ve embarrassingly said a million times on this journey, starting from day one. TMI alert! During labor (the fastest labor ever, mind you), when I found out I was too far along for an epidural, I quickly shouted, "I can't do this!" I yelled it again when the doctor said to give one good push (the only push, for that matter), as if she was going to respond with, "OK, I understand. Come back when you can. Have a great weekend!" yeah right. Instead I gathered all the energy I had and "I can"ned like no one canned before! Just kidding people have babies everyday so plenty before and after me have canned - just saying. Anyay where was I, oh yes, It all seemed so silly yelling those things when I think back on it. I mean you can't just add labor and delivery on a to-do list for another day mid-delivery. That's Ridiculous. But what is it that drives us to think we can't do something? Exhaustion, embarressment, fear, defeat - a melting pot of all these things? I mean I love fondue, but I digress.

I’m not a doctor by any means—shocking, right? I’m just a Christmas-loving, gnome-collecting, overall- and sweatpants-wearing Dolly Parton fanatic who adores cats and talks to my composting worms daily. But I believe that the "can't" mentality often arises when we step outside of our comfort zones. The fear of the unknown before us. This journey with autism is predictably unpredictable and serves as a deep lesson in being comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. "Can't" doesn't really get a ticket on this journey - even if it feels like a stowawy in our thoughts.

Last week, you and I went to the beach together for a mini spring break. A younger version of me would have laughed at the idea, as I lacked the confidence to think I could handle any problems on my own. In my eyes, this trip would have been a definitive "I can't." However, for every "I can't" I face, you somehow come in strong making me feel like "I can," and we tackle it together.

It's funny to think back to the day you were born when I yelled, "I can't!" But clearly, you’re here now, so I definitely could. Little did I know at the time that I would feel that way often, but you have been my biggest cheerleader, showing me that "I can" every step of the way.

Words cannot fully express how much you've taught me over the last fourteen years, baby girl. Thank you for always believing that "I can."

Love you always.

Mom