Banana Banana Meatball

Dear Addie,

I often refer to our lives in storybook chapters. Having said that, I feel like this year has had by far the most & longest chapters yet in our lives and here we are starting yet another one, in-person pandemic learning. Ad in a million years I never would’ve imagined we’d be navigating this, but challenge accepted I guess. Back to school, we go, but not exactly like you used to.

As much as I thought we had prepared you (and us) for this, we were equal parts clueless on the reality of what was to be. With in-school procedures, something completely out of my control, my mission at this point was to find some sort of consistency in this new school routine as a way of easing into this new change. Historically the first day of school, in-person mind you, wasn’t your favorite day. It’s predictably a sensory overload of kids & parents, balloons, and excited chaos. I was just not confident that all the social stories we read about returning to the building, washing hands, masks, and such were anything more than stories for you at this point. And with just the mention of anything related to school these days you would immediately seek out the closest computer in our home and sit in front of it ready and waiting. In your mind, your teacher had taken a permanent residence in there and you were all in on this now.

I didn’t have a good feeling about this and not necessarily about the safety aspect, I knew the school was surely going above and beyond, however, they could, but more for your emotional well being of starting something new yet again.

How could I prepare you better? What could I show you that meant the next chapter was starting? Like most autistic individuals association is everything for you and quite frankly a way of life.

The night before I found myself getting your lunchbox out and ready, and set it on the counter like I’ve done for years now. There it sat looking every bit of a fish out of the water to what we’ve come to know in our kitchen scene.

You wasted no time at all seeing it as you came down for a bottle of water. You stopped dead in your tracks and just stared. No whining or words - just stared. I wish I could’ve known what you were thinking. A Morgan Freeman narrating your thoughts moment would’ve been epic! But there was nothing but silence. Your inquisitive nature soon took over as you slowly peeked inside noticing some of your snacks were already packed and your cookies were looking every bit of lonely with only a clementine and apple as company. Clearly, you thought you should help them make their great escape to your tummy - but mommy sees everything and I put a stop to your cookie rescue mission. Well played baby girl, well played.

The next morning I was fully prepared for a battle. But much to my delight it never happened. You woke up, got ready to go, refused breakfast (but not in an angry way), masked up and we were headed out the door!

As we pulled into the school drop off I fully anticipated surely this would be the moment where your unsettling feeling would start...but nothing. We’ve been learning about emotions for months now in virtual learning and I couldn’t read a single one on you. You just had a very matter of fact look about you. I couldn't tell at this point if I should be worried?

Parents were not allowed out of our cars so I couldn’t hold your hand and walk you to the door. Everything was very different now. There was no sea of kids trying to be the first through the school's doors, masks adorned all their sweet faces, and temperatures were being taken. Right here at this moment, I was witnessing a literal true testament of adaptability - not seeing a single face with their smiles you could tell the kids didn’t seem to mind their new routine and were genuinely excited to be there. With your temperature having been taken Ms. Michelle (a TA you’ve literally only met virtually) was close behind to guide you on your way. Slightly hesitant with the stranger that somehow seemed so familiar to you she said your favorite phrase from a patterns lesson she gave you online - banana, banana, meatball! Banana, banana, meatball! Odd right? But it worked! Just the association you needed with a little fruit & meat talk you stimmed with excitement and with that knew exactly who she was as you bounced out of the van. I then watched you walk away in my passenger side-view mirror. A far cry from my usual first day of school sidewalk perspective. As I watched your image get smaller and smaller I was every ounce of proud at how well we managed all this newness, saddened a bit at how quickly you, our baby girl are growing up, and worried if we had made the right choice in this next chapter.

In my heart, I had my doubts about you keeping a mask on all day and maintaining social distance we all know personal space seems to be a foreign language to you. Could you manage all this and your normal education and therapy needs? What if you had a meltdown, how would everyone handle that? I think it’s safe to say my questioning thoughts were quite consuming for most of the day.

I drank a lot of coffee, wrapped and shipped out Christmas presents (yes you read that right), and stressed cleaned the whole house. Apparently, I was channeling my anxiety and nervousness into productivity. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing yet??? I would've much preferred the channeling of a nap really.

That afternoon your teacher sent me a quick message and picture telling me just how great you were doing and with that, all my anxiety seemed to just melt away. Everyone had done their part to prepare you and the star of the show - YOU were killing it!

When I picked you up from school they told me you had an amazing day and that amazingness carried straight on through for the whole week. No meltdowns, masked stayed on and work got done. You nailed it!

I’m so proud of you and how well you have navigated yet another unusual chapter. Who knew the only association you needed for this chapter was a lunchbox and a little fruit & meat pattern lesson talk! Banana, banana, meatball! Banana, banana, meatball! Isn’t that what everyone thinks of when they think about school? You definitely keep me laughing Addie.

Enjoy school sweet girl and remember to stay safe and listen to the rules.

I love you.

Mom